The PlayTex

A majority of Texas polititians, otherwise known as Exibit "A" to why abortion should be legal, feel that they would prefer to die from a bullet than dodge a tampon.  Since I have never had a woman pelt me with tampons, I suppose I'm not qualified to testify as to whether or not it is an unpleasant experience, which leads me to believe that a majority of Texas polititians have had a woman pelt them with tampons, which leads me to believe they are not the sort if people who should be voting on the rights of women.

The Beliebers

"Guilt Trip" -  A vacation a mother goes on when her middle child asks to go to the Justin Bieber concert.  In Dallas, Texas.  In the middle of a workweek.  With no money.

The middle child is the child who is too old to be the precious baby of the family yet is too young to be the privileged eldest.  Add to the mix a Jewish mother and you get an overlooked, underappreciated child that gets everything she wants.  Including Justin Bieber.  Fuck my life.

Being the spunky, positive minded and adventurous person that I am, I at least looked forward to the journey as I started up the car and headed toward the open road.  Unfortunately, however, my daughters' spunky, positive minded, adventurous personality traits reside in their endometrial lining.  So, I plugged them all into their iCrap and I listened to my book on tape for five hours. 

Upon arriving at the hotel, the nice lady checking me in asked what brought me to Dallas.  I don't think it was the words that I spoke, "Justin Bieber Concert" as much as the pathetic look on my face that made her hand me the keys to the upgraded suite on the top floor.  I felt like I had earned this.  I felt like a middle child.

I have been to lots of concerts, including Barney, The Wiggles and AC/DC, but never did a headache begin even before I found my seat. Billions of miniature female minions were screeching at the top of their lungs. And he wasn't even due on stage for hours.  They were delirious.  Frenzied. Whacked out.  As tears streamed down the faces of my little freaks, I realized that there was nothing I could do to stop the insanity. So, I videotaped it.  I now have video to show at their rehearsal dinners.  As Justin Bieber finally descended from ceiling dressed all in white attached to giant angel wings, the girls, screamed, cried and grabbed their hearts as if they were going to faint.  It was like Elvis or The Beatles had floated onto the stage.  But way gayer.  

I did get up to dance and sing at one point though.  I even knew all of the words!!!!  I was pleased to finally fit in to the madness. Somewhat.  Even if it was one of the opening bands.  Singing the theme song to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air."

I now believe that Bieber Fever is a real disease. I will be forwarding my video to the Mayo Clinic.  The symptoms are the ability to recite every word of Justin's songs, the disdain for all things Selena Gomez, and the knowledge of every useless fact about Justin, including that if Justin were to build a house out of any candy, it would be the Kit Kat bar.

My straight "A" student actually asked "Why is everything red, white and blue?"  I replied "Because the 4th of July is coming up."  Then she said, and I am sure it is because she was under the influence of Justin, "When is that?"

So while y'all are all busy worrying about your kids becoming drug addicts, failures, democrats or car bombers, please know there are worse things. My children are Beliebers. And they know Justin Bieber's penis is named "Jerry."