The Redirection

As most of you know, my ex-husband, father of my kids, and my best friend for half my life died in August. Undeniably, for me, the most unendurable part of Brian's death is witnessing the pain that my children carry with them, and realizing that they will carry it with them for the rest of their lives. We deal with each issue as it arises and I'm learning that humor, used as a redirection, rather than logic, is the only thing that helps alleviate some of that pain. And that makes me perfect for the job.  Challenge accepted. 

Attempted Logic:
The kids had to make their final trip to Brian's house to pack up and remove the remainder of their belongings as the house is going up for sale. Maya said that it was rough, and that it brought back too many memories. When she got home, she said that she feels like she keeps losing things, and asked me to start driving her to school in the mornings.

Maya: Mom, pleeeease don't make me take the bus next week!
Me: Sorry baby, I have to get to work on time, plus I have pep squad carpool. 
Maya: Daddy always took me to school on his days. I will never have a ride to school again! I miss my daddy!
Me (attempting to hug her as she squirms away): Your daddy is always with you in your heart, honey, and I can take you another day, but not next week. Besides, all your friends will be on the bus. You always sit next to your best friend, so it should be fun!
Maya: How much fun did you have riding your stupid pteradactyl to school?!?! (Marches out-slams door-yells something that sounded Russian.)
FAIL

Attempted Humor:
On Friday, we headed off to a high school football game. Samantha was performing at half time, the weather was Friday night lights perfect, we had our bellies full of Ben & Jerry's cotton candy ice cream (The kind with real pieces of cotton candy inside!), and life was good. And then it was not. 

On the sidelines, the cheerleaders got to perform with their dads. The fathers and daughters laughed and hugged and acted silly. Maya got quiet, held her head high and her face started to quiver. She tried to force her tears to withdraw from public scrutiny, and succeeded. 

Maya: Mother, is it some sort of a family legacy that I have to be a cheerleader?"

Me:  No way. Please do something different.

Maya:  Good. Because I am tired of people asking where my father is and having to tell them that he's dead, and then they ask me more questions.

Me: Not a problem! Next time anyone asks where your father is, simply lie and tell them your mother is a lesbian! I promise they will have no more questions after that. They'll just smile and walk away. 

Maya: Can I really?!?!

Me: Anything for you, kid. And if they are politically correct folks, they will also give you a pat on the back and say "How nice!" and then walk away. 

Maya (finally laughing): Thank you lesbian mom!! But what if a five year old asks me about Dad and doesn't know what a lesbian is?

Me:  Tell her your dad's a squirrel and he is busy in the tree playing with his nuts.

Maya (Gives me that look, you know, the one where I know I've gone too far again): Organizing his nuts, Mom. He always liked to clean. 

Me:  Sure - much better. Perfect.

Maya (big hug): You're the best mom ever!

NAILED IT!

I believe that all people, not just young ones, need a little redirection some times. There are many different tools that people use for redirection. Some use sex, some use alcohol, some use vacations, and some use a sense of humor. I find that humor is best because it will not get you pregnant, give you a hangover, or cost a lot of money. Ironically though, it was a sense of humor that helped to redirect me after the shock of finding out that I was pregnant after too much alcohol during my trip to South Padre. That's right, Julia was the result of multiple redirections! And I've gone too far again. Sorry... Let's redirect once more... 

Dear parents, HUMOR simply works! Even if your kids don't laugh with you, they will laugh at you, or tweet whatever dumb thing you said so their friends will laugh at you, or simply get annoyed that you even consider yourself funny. And if any of those things happen, you have successfully redirected them out of whatever black hole they fell into. I truly believe that a sense of humor is the key to a happy marriage, lasting friendships, and, if my kids are telling me the truth (which is a 70-30 chance, give or take), it is also the key to being an awesome parent.  

IN MEMORY OF BRIAN PATRICK ABELOW...

An awesome parent, whose legacy is the laughter he left behind to fill the empty hearts of those who miss him dearly. Because he was one funny dude!