SH*T MY KIDS SAY

Maya (My seven year old): (Calling me at work) Mommy, I'm scared! I just stepped on glass. Come home.

Me:  Are you okay? Do you need stitches? Does it hurt?

Maya:  No.

Me: Then why do I have to come home?

Maya: I got blood on the floor and walls. This place looks haunted.

***************************

Maya: (Calling me at work and crying hysterically) 

Me:  Are you okay?

Maya:  No! I tried to put the milk away and it spilled everywhere!

Me: Haven't you ever heard the saying that there is no use crying over spilled milk? 

Maya: But it's everywhere! That's why I'm crying!

Me: But there's a saying that everyone says: There's no use crying over spilled milk. Because it's no big deal. Just clean it up.

Maya: Nobody EVER says that. I'm in second grade and I've never heard anyone say that. When the milk is all over the floor like this, people cry.  (Click)

***************************

Maya:  John bullies me. He makes fun of me on the bus. He is mean and says that there is no Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. Is that true, Mommy? 

Me: Well, I'll tell you this... from what I have seen, the kids that do believe get rewarded with money from the Tooth Fairy, candy from the Easter Bunny and toys from Santa Claus. Poor John is missing out on all of the fun. That's probably why he's such an asshole.

Maya: Okay! I believe! Thanks, Mommy! And you know that's going on your Language Chart, right?

Me:  Yep.

The Dark Passenger

Dear Hormones,

I understand that you are simply doing your job, however, there are a few things we need to get straight:

1) This morning, like a godless hussy, I woke up with my child's Halloween candy in my arms, and chocolate stains on my sheets. Stop!

2) Patch up your twisted relationship with my metabolism. Fat jeans are not supposed to be tight.  Sir Mix A Lot was wrong. 

3) Make the force be with me, my liege. My super bitch powers are no match for my teenagers' super bitch powers. The force is strong with those ones. 

4) My children should be afraid of me when you encourage me to raise my voice, not entertained. Make me loud AND scary. Cute and spunky gets me nowhere. Do your job or clean my house. 

5) Involuntary narcissistic rage is not a bad thing if I'm right. Right? 

6) Thanks so much for the hot flashes. My running around outside in shorts and a tank top in 37 degree weather has distracted the neighbors from all the other reasons they could suspect I'm crazy. 

7) There is no reason for me to cry. It was just a commercial. Back the fuck off. 

8) I am positively profoundly pissed off at everyone in the entire world this week. It is time for a safe word. 

Your hostile hostage, 

Rachelle