The Girls

Boys can be mean.  But girls are meaner. Not all, but a lot of them. Like Kathy Bates' character in the movie "Misery," with a touch of Chucky doll, and rattlesnake.  On any day I would prefer being punched in the face by a testosterone filled male than emotionally and estrogenally attacked by a female.  Have you ever noticed that if you don't wear make up or look crappy, a guy will often just tell you to your face: "Hey! You look like crap."  A girl, however, will often call all of her friends to talk about how dreadful you look and tell you to your face that you look fine.  That's just creepy, right?  

I am not saying that I don't love and respect my girl friends. Their honesty, devotion and steadfast support have helped shape me into the person I am today.  Most have been around since I was a child and the others have earned my trust over time.  Because of my experiences though, they were handpicked carefully.

My seven year old daughter was meticulous when picking out stuff when we were back to school shopping last week.  She assured me that even though she wanted to fit in, that she liked being a smart geek.  "But, I'm in second grade." she said, "Girls this year will judge me by how I look."  She is right as I found myself judging her by the hideous, sparkly Justin Beiber backpack she selected.  

Have you noticed that if you say something that a guy doesn't like, he is likely to say either "Whoa!" or "Are you having a bad day?" and allow you to explain. Girls, on the other hand, well, they can be bat shit crazy mean. I actually had my "Best Friends" from when I was in my twenties "Group Dump" me without a word or a phone call because someone said that someone else said that I said something about someone.  I think that is how it went.  I'm not sure, because nobody would answer my calls.  I was pregnant at the time and it honestly nearly killed me. Those girls often said that if you don't show up, we'll talk about you. Hindsight is a bitch... but girls are meaner. 

As I observed my daughters throughout the years on the playground as small children, and then in the cafeteria, as teenagers, it always seemed to be the girls that would hurt or discount their feelings, and the boys remained unwavering companions throughout the years... until they got girlfriends.  

Even as a grown up, during my divorce, a majority of the folks that judged, gossiped, took sides, or treated me with disdain were females.  The saddest part is that these were people who I considered family and friends and loved dearly for half my life.  I wish I could have defended myself better, but in doing so I would have had to belittle others.  I wish I wasn't so empathetic. I wish I wasn't so sensitive.  

I wish I were a boy.   Because apparently I'm too nice to be a girl. And I would like to pee standing up, especially after a hard day at the gym. And in the woods and snow too to write my name.  If I were a boy I could be tough and not just pretend to be tough. And not hold grudges. Girls never forget, because we are like elephants.  But don't ever call us that, or you will pay. Forever.  And I cry. Crying is embarrassing, inconvenient and makes my Jew nose swell.  Also, I really like to say the "F" word.  Probably more often than I should. But it is "soooooo unladylike."  Which is soooooo fucking stupid. But what can I do?  It's not like I could ever become a boy.  Because, DUH - then I would have to date girls.