Oh Deer

I killed my first deer this week. I understand this to be a beloved tradition this time of year. Most Texans have done this by the age of 12. My boss uses a bow and arrow. I used my car. 

The insurance adjuster wasn't very empathic about the deer dying. It was traumatic for my kids though. They had many questions about death and something called "deductible" that made mommy cry. Sometimes the only way to quiet a child is with Steve Jobs Duct Tape. I handed them an iPad and drove home in silence. 

"I was disgusted at how many people asked me if I kept that poor deer to eat. I would never purposely kill an animal and eat it!" I said that night at dinner as I took a bite out of my hamburger that came from meat the way God intended. With a side order of fries out of a Whataburger bag. 

The Circle

My daughter's baby announcement read "Our world is now complete..."

As I sit here 18 years later, writing her graduation announcement, all I have typed is "My world is now broken."

Have you ever cried in a way that was so important that you didn't want to wipe the tears away?  Have you ever worn your tears because the anguish was so deep that if you wiped them away, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself?  

I am aware of the fact that when I have mascara all over my face, I don't look heartbroken, I look like Ozzy Osborne. And I'm aware of the fact that when I explain the depth of my love and emotion to my 18 year old, I don't sound devoted. I sound annoying. And I'm aware of the fact that, although I feel like the postergirl for motherhood, I am the postergirl for birth control. But I'm simply not aware of any easy way at all to let my baby go.  I didn't get enough time.  I am not done. 

I have some ideas:

1) Slash the tires on her car so she can't leave me.

2) Drink Vodka.

That's all I've got.  Shit. 

The circle of life sucks. But I guess it's the only circle given.  So I write..

When she was little, she was my baby, 

I was her world. She held my hand.

When she got older, I was her harbor, 

She raised her sail for her world to expand.

I watch with wonder and sadness and pain 

Excitement and pride she won't understand

Till she has a baby that makes her the world. 

Then she'll watch with wonder. She'll hold her hand. 

And life will go on - ready or not,

For better or worse, the way that God planned. 

Rachelle Abelow,

Writer/Annoying Mother