The Blossom

The clock struck 11:00 p.m. and I suddenly could no longer breath. I didn't know what was happening to me. All I knew was that I was losing her.  And running out of time.  

In exactly one hour, my baby will be gone.  Julia will be eighteen.  An adult.  And she will one day leave me.  

The panic burned my lungs and my arms went numb as I carried box after box down from the top shelf of the laundry room.  The five boxes of pictures were in no order, but I was, for some reason, convinced that if I looked through each one I could somehow make sense of the situation, and stop it from happening.  I looked at picture after picture until a tear slid down my cheek, who then invited about a hundred others to follow, who in turn invited my voice to wail, in pain, like a sick moose. It was a symphony of desperation apparently loud enough to wake Maya, my youngest child, who ran to my side. "What happened, Mommy? I'm scared!"  The only words I could compose were "I'm out of time.  I'm out of time.  I'm out of time."  She retrieved her older sister, my middle child Samantha, from bed and she, with a compassionate, maternal, knowing look on her face held me in her arms and asked me what was wrong. 

I tried super hard to sound rational this time and explained calmly "I have looked through thousands of pictures and I am only in six of them with Julia.  I think I did something wrong and I am sure that it is too late to fix it."  Samantha simply grinned, and reassuringly explained to little Maya, "Mommy is fine.  It is just her time of the month for the period thing."  It was not.  Crap, on second thought, it might be!  After filing away my lack of personal calendaring skills in my mental file called "All The Stuff Rachelle Fucks Up" I was pleased to see that the little one, after having heard the word "period", laughed herself back up to bed for good this time.  

My middle child hugged me again, calmly explained that it was time for me to go to bed, that Julia was fine, safe and healthy, and that I could take a bunch more pictures of her tomorrow.  I realized then, when she said that "I" could take more pictures, that the reason there weren't many pictures of me and Julia was not because I was an awful mom, rather because I was THE mom, and therefore, was always behind the camera.  I took a deep breath, cautiously stepped out of the the irrational sector, and into my comfy bed.  I slept peacefully throughout the night.

Not knowing what direction our new mother - daughter relationship would be taking, I woke up with a bittersweet, thoughtful, cautious and nervous feeling floating around in my gut. Julia came into my room and informed me that she would prefer to spend her actual birthday out on the town with her friends, and would like to celebrate with her family on Saturday.  I told her that was totally fine, that I would make reservations for Saturday, and asked her which friends she would be hanging out with for the big bash tonight. "Sarah, Brandon, Camille, Beth, Taylor, Dakota and YOU."  she said with an impish smile on her face. 

Once again a tear slid down my cheek, but this time only one.  And then I knew.  

The First Day

THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL 

The alarm tends to sound way too early on the first day of the rest of your life. This day is known to the young as The First Day of School. The night before the first day of school is not a gentle commencement either, as the words "I'm scared" and "I'm excited" are interchangeable and so cunning that the thoughts that follow those words weaponlessly battle and defeat Mr. Sandman every year. Will I make straight "A"s? Will my hair stay straight in this weather? Why did I agree to write and sing a rap song on the morning announcements to sell spirit shirts?  I should have listened to my mom and used her creative idea for the project, finished my summer reading, and started adjusting my bedtime a week early. (Ya, I made those last ones up.) And when their sweet little brains are done taking stock of their hopes, goals and insecurities, the journey to the next grade begins and their eyes finally close to await the alarm that screams "Grab your socks, soldier. Your summer is gone." 

THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE

I feel like with all the changes, both wonderful and dreadful that our family has encountered recently, that today is the perfect day to take stock of the positive things.   

STOCK OF POSITIVE THINGS

1)  My kids are all healthy, happy, and excited about school.

2)  Me too. 

3)  I am at peace with the extra 7 pounds I have gained, and ate breakfast tacos for breakfast.  

4)  When Maya said "Wow mom, my arms almost don't fit around you anymore." I resolved that it was up to her to grow longer arms.

5)  I didn't go to the bathroom once while running on the treadmill this time.

6)  My wonderful boss lets me go home early several times a week so that I can be with my kids. 

7) My parents and friends love and support me no matter what. 

8)  My editors, who love me very much, talked me out of finishing the story I was writing about a fictional character named Ryan who, in order to accommodate his girlfriend's insecurities, refused to attend his child's 18th birthday dinner. Thank you editorial staff.  Positivity begins now. 

9)  I never go out anymore, but Saturday night, when I did, I learned that the number of times I say "Oh my God this is my FAVORITE song" and run out onto the dance floor like a fool is directly proportional to the number of martinis I drink. 

10) I think I'm allergic to martinis, and dancing, and handsome young men. I will be prepared next time and first take a Zyrtec allergy relief pill, along with a dose of dignity and sophistication.

11) Before my seven year old got on the bus this morning I hugged her and said "It's going to be the best day of school ever!" and she replied "That is because of you, Mom."  That remarkable kid is made up of all things beautiful, unconditional love, and a touch of Eddie Haskell. 

12)  One of the best days of my life, and I know this sounds reprehensible, was when my oldest daughter was very sick a week ago.  She slept with me as I took care of her, and held her in my arms, and watched movies with her, and held her in my arms even more. Because I knew it could be the last time she ever lets me.

13)  My oldest daughter will be graduating soon.  Part of me wants her to spread her wings and fly as far away as she can to encounter fresh new adventures and experience the world, and all it has to offer.  But don't ever tell her I said that, because most of me wants her to stay home.  Forever. 

14) Pitch Perfect 2, the best movie since Encino Man, is coming out in 2015!

15) I decided that I will not post pictures of my kids' first day of school on Facebook.  Everyone does that crap and I am not a follower. I will post pictures of them on a different day of school. And it's not because my camera stopped working this morning. It's because I'm a rebel. 

16)  Mostly I am thankful for you, as I know if you are reading this you have touched my life in some way. And it is because of you I know that no matter what the next perfect storm brings, when I write about it you will laugh at me, or with me, cheer for me, roll your eyes at me, mentally correct my grammar, foul language, creative punctuation and my affinity for starting sentences with conjunctions, or perhaps, and I hope, you even like and understand me. That is how I know that even though we are alone in this life in many ways, our laughter, energy and shared similarities bond us together, so we are never truly disconnected. 

17) The first day of the rest of your life can also sneak up on you so you don't even notice, until later reflection, that your flight path has curved in a surprising new direction.  All we can do is enjoy the ride.