The Name

So, apparently my name is "Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy."  I love being a mom. More than anything in the world really.  Motherhood has shown me the meaning of life, humbled me, and is the very reason I was put on this Earth. But I was assured at some point before I bred that my new name would only have two syllables.  

I always said that I wished my name was "Dad" so short and chipper, as in "Hey Dad, pull my finger!"  And I know what you're thinking, but dude, it's better than "Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy, the cat puked on the floor!"

I tried explaining to them that there was only one "Mommy" in my name. They thought that was funny.  I tried saying their name twenty times in a row to demonstrate how aggravating it was. They thought that was funny too. 

I am also referred to as "Butt Mom" by the way.  Every time they argue with me.  "BUT MOM! That's not fair! She started it."  I tell them that my name is not "Butt Mom" and I walk away. They don't think that is funny, but they look confused long enough for me escape the ruckus. 

In an effort to preserve my sanity, I informed my babies that I will only answer to "Your Majesty."  "Your majesty, I lost my homework again."  "Your majesty, my sister pulled my hair!"  I smile all day. 

This has royally changed my life. It has brought order to my castle. And I know what your thinking, but dude, don't judge the Queen. 

The Ink

If I get a tattoo, I want to get Japanese lettering so that I can tell everyone it's their name. Because they are special.  I'd have to avoid dating Japanese men though.

It would also be fun to be a tattoo artist so when people asked for their name tattooed in Japanese lettering, I would instead write "Dork" or "Stinky."  Then the Japanese guys I ignored will have something to laugh about.

The Smarts

I tried to argue with someone stupid today.  I was really upset until I realized I was the smart person who argued with the stupid person.  The reverse would have been a much greater loss.

I'm not trying to insult stupid people.  Stupid + nice makes a pleasant person, somewhat puppylike.  Like some blonde girls.  I'm not trying to insult blonde girls.  I called them puppylike.  The stupid ones. 

Stupid + mean though makes a very scary person, somewhat Frankensteinlike.   I'm not trying to insult Frankensteins.  Just the mean ones.  So, the next time I call Abby Normal, I will be ready to lose the battle, probably the war too, but never my smarts.

The Adorables

My seven year old said today "Why don't you write about me pooping since you think everything I do is soooooo adorable!"

I think she just unadorabled herself.  Just like that.  If there are scientists out there who have been searching for a cure for adorableness, we can help. 

Individually, we really are adorable.  It's a fact. I have that in writing somewhere.  But as a group, a group of four females, we are like wet Mogwai.  

My seventeen year old said today "I wish I could live with my father.  You're so annoying!"  Now, that one, her adorable disappeared when her first bra appeared. That's Victoria's secret.   

And although my middle child has the delightful ability to use the words "I love you mommy" and "shut the fuck up" in the same sentence, today she says NOTHING as she's curled up in bed with her kitty cat, fast asleep, motionless, squabbleless and speechless.  Now THAT is adorable.  

The Quote

As the lesser known and often overlooked Mama Nietzsche used to say, "That which does not kill us, earns us a massage and a mani/pedi." 

The Dark

Sometimes I fall in. There's a very dark place that women go when things become unbearable.  We tend to lay down our bedazzled sword and let the darkness envelop us as we protectively detach ourselves, stare through hollow eyes and go on with our day.  You can tell so much about a person if you look into their eyes.  If you look close enough you can tell when someone is devoid of life. Perhaps that is why women wear sunglasses.  It's not that they don't want people to know who they are. They don't want people to know where they are. I don't have very good mornings.  I put a smile on my face and wear my sunglasses every morning into the office.  People on the elevator jokingly ask me if I'm a movie star.  I reply in a serious voice, "Yes, I am."  So then I get to start my day pretending I'm Angelina Jolie, pre adoption spree and double mastectomy.  And I start to climb out.