There is a country where round women are believed to be sexy and thin women unhealthy. That is where you will find me one day. Does anyone know where it is? I totally love food and have been eating nonstop, including an entire bag of these evil things called Minis. Beware of these cruel little bite size versions of your favorite candy. Reese's, a respectable protein filled candy, apparently declared psychological warfare on my thighs as I believed that one or two teeny bite sized candies would satisfy me. But, to my astonishment, this morning I woke up with an empty bag of Reese's Minis. In my bed. Cradled in my arms. They had slipped me a roofie. I'm pretty sure. I shamefully cleaned the chocolate off my face, threw the bag away, and in pure addict form, smiled gingerly when I noticed there were two more bags of Minis on the counter. I think they even smiled back at me. And yes, I know I could have thrown them in the trash but I'm just a little defenseless girl with an oral fixation. For chocolate. (Keep it PG) Even in my sleep. And now all of my clothes are too tight.
Anyway, I really did read there is a country where round women are believed to be sexy and thin women unhealthy. I think it was on the cover of one of those magazines at the doctor's office. I have actually thought about making extra money posing nude for the cover of that magazine. National Geographic. My mom always said I was a natural beauty. But in what country? Damn. I have such a horrible memory and have always been geographically inadequate.
I hope it is the same place that believes a woman burping is simply a complement to the chef. I would be loved there. I think I read about that in one of those magazines too. Or, how about one of those countries that has an overabundance of kind, handsome, smart men who love to cook, already have housekeepers, and satisfy their woman's every desire. I think I read about that in a delightfully disturbing different magazine though.
I hope it is not one of those countries where women are inferior to men and need to, you know, behave and know their place or they will get stoned to death. Knowing me, I would still get the munchies. And I don't always "behave" and never have "known my place." I wish I could remember the name of that place!
So... Ciao, Shalom, Sayonara, and Adios. I'm dragging my fat ass to the gym. And wearing yoga pants to work tomorrow. But one day you'll find me in another country where round women are believed to be sexy and thin women unhealthy. And I hope it is soon because the older I get the less I care about how I look, and the more I believe Reese's is a splendid source of protein. And that shopping can be my cardio for the week. And that the sound of my children's laughter when they see me get out of the shower is heartwarming.
