THINGS I LEARNED WHILE CAMPING WITH MY KIDS:
1) While you are waiting to get your campsite, and 50 people are in line in front of you, listening to your teenager whisper inappropriate jokes is not a good way to make the time pass quicker. Your seven year old may overhear and yell out "What's a dildo?" actually making the time pass much slower.
2) The wooden marshmallow roasting sticks you bought for $2 does not make you a smart shopper. They are made of wood. This makes you a stupid moron.
3) Melted marshmallow does not come off of a Juicy tracksuit. The fact that you wore your Juicy tracksuit camping, again, makes you a stupid moron.
4) Chasing a bunny rabbit in the dark can be a bad thing. Especially when you realize it is not actually a bunny rabbit, it is actually a skunk. You should stick to star gazing on night hikes.
5) You should stick to ground gazing on day hikes as we also learned centipedes can be as large as a human foot.
6) The person that makes fun of your Mickey Mouse footie pajamas will beg to wear them after the first cold night. Don't hate on the onesies. They are hip AND warm.
7) The campsite two weeks ago may not have had the breathtaking view of the mountains and the stunning change of the season’s colors like this campsite, but it was free of sticker burrs on the ground to allow for frisbee baseball, had no ants or bees, had larger trees to climb and hide behind to go to the restroom, and a little neighbor girl to ride bikes with Maya. Prettier is not better. It is simply prettier.
8) When teaching your children about nature, if they roughly throw the cup of tadpoles back in the water because they want to keep them as pets but you've insisted they belong in their own natural and peaceful environment, then you have not yet properly taught you children about nature. Calling them "Dexter" under your breath is funny, only until you think about it, and realize you are far from civilization.
9) There is a pure calmness that engulfs my mind and body when I am far from civilization. If this is true for everyone, civilization is not as civilized as we believe.
10) In the woods, kids cannot escape to their rooms to use iCrap or Skype or sleep or sulk. In the woods, you make your own fun. And you do it together.
11) There is nothing funnier in the world than drawing eyes and a nose on someone's chin while they are lying down, and watching them talk. Don’t judge. Just do it.
12) Seven year olds believe, wholeheartedly, that the Tooth Fairy knows where you are, even when you are in a tent deep in the woods, and especially when you only have twenties and hundreds in your purse.
14) On day three, it is time to go home! I am exhausted, my back feels crooked as a question mark, and I desperately need a bubble bath. I f@*&%ing dare anyone to tell me Oreos for breakfast and Dairy Queen for lunch are not nutritional.
15) There is only one thing better than sleeping in a tent under the stars! JW Marriott. Definitely JW Marriott.
