Dear Hormones,
I understand that you are simply doing your job, however, there are a few things we need to get straight:
1) This morning, like a godless hussy, I woke up with my child's Halloween candy in my arms, and chocolate stains on my sheets. Stop!
2) Patch up your twisted relationship with my metabolism. Fat jeans are not supposed to be tight. Sir Mix A Lot was wrong.
3) Make the force be with me, my liege. My super bitch powers are no match for my teenagers' super bitch powers. The force is strong with those ones.
4) My children should be afraid of me when you encourage me to raise my voice, not entertained. Make me loud AND scary. Cute and spunky gets me nowhere. Do your job or clean my house.
5) Involuntary narcissistic rage is not a bad thing if I'm right. Right?
6) Thanks so much for the hot flashes. My running around outside in shorts and a tank top in 37 degree weather has distracted the neighbors from all the other reasons they could suspect I'm crazy.
7) There is no reason for me to cry. It was just a commercial. Back the fuck off.
5) Involuntary narcissistic rage is not a bad thing if I'm right. Right?
6) Thanks so much for the hot flashes. My running around outside in shorts and a tank top in 37 degree weather has distracted the neighbors from all the other reasons they could suspect I'm crazy.
7) There is no reason for me to cry. It was just a commercial. Back the fuck off.
8) I am positively profoundly pissed off at everyone in the entire world this week. It is time for a safe word.
Your hostile hostage,
Rachelle
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