The Campout

DAY 1:
Local small town Texas grocery store...  The Sound That Pissed Me Off On My Campout #1 - "No!  I want Hunts ketchup!  Heinz is owned by a LIBERAL!" 

It's not that I consider myself a "liberal", I just absolutely HATE people who hate other people that differ from them.  And hypocrites.  Hate them too.  I'm not a party to any party really, especially the one that serves tea.  Can anyone tell me who picked such a gay name for a bunch of people with guns?   

DAY 2:
My only wish is that I had a gun right now.

Sound That Pissed Me Off On My Campout #2 -   "TWEET!" 

Not the kind where you type 14O characters to talk about your new selfie.  The kind discussed in the brochure I never read, in the section which boasted that my campsite was the home to over a gajillion species of birds and owls (WHO ALL WAKE UP AT 6:00 IN THE MORNIING!!!!!)  Princess Nature Lover now wishes she had packed an Uzi instead of a Keurig.  Perhaps it is true that guns don't kill people. People kill people... but I'm pretty sure a gun could shut the fuck out of all the birds right now.  Including the male and female owl, each on opposite sides of my tent, chanting the same obnoxious mating calls back and forth and back and forth.  Dear Mr. Owl,  using the same line over and over is obviously not getting you anywhere!  Take the bottle of vodka out of my blue bag and just get the bitch drunk.  Works for me every time.   

DAY 2.5:

As the brilliant sinking sun slowly sets on the horizon of a sky marbled with about nine shades of magenta, I realized that the Sound That Pissed Me Off On My Campout #3 came from me, with all of the bitching that I did about the birds waking me up (they still have not shut up btw), my WiFi not working, and the bugs that seem to love my legs more than any man ever has.  I am sitting now in my shorts and Bucees t-shirt, with no make up, stuffed with eggs liketheynevertasteathome cooked in the grease from bacon, energized from hiking, glowing from the sun and fresh air, mournful about having to leave Jessica, my rabbit friend, and am concerned that I will not feel this peaceful again.  Ever.

DAY 3: 

Forget everything I said.  All of it.  Damn birds woke me up again.  All of them.  When I think of how my other senses encounter a bird, I find that they are all pleasant encounters.  Birds are soft to touch, pretty to look at, and when fried and placed in a bucket, delicious to taste.  But when all of your senses, other than your sense of hearing, are locked up in a tent, I promise you this:  BIRDS ARE EVIL!!!!

I am ready to go home.  I am ready to go home.  I am ready to go home.  Packed, unfed, unshowered and ready to go home, when along came The final Soud That Pissed Me Off On My Campout..... Me, banging my head against the steering wheel, as I remembered I had promised to bring the kids back with me next weekend.